2001-11-15 - 1:19 a.m.

Entry the first...

Dear Diary...

We've been through this before. The frivolous idea of you. Then, the doubt, the fear of commitment. The fact that I'm not a twelve year old girl. Then, I recall all the stuff that has happened in my life, trivial as it seemed at the time, that I wish I could remember better. I'm sentimental. The drawer full of ATM receipts and credit card statements. The garbage bag full of old term papers languishing in my closet. Thank God for that closet...

Sometimes, I'll go through that drawer (the garbage bag is a little too daunting to mess with at this point--right now I'm just content lugging it from apartment to apartment, closet to closet). Sometimes I'm impressed with some of the stuff I've done. Usually, I'm embarrassed. But, on the whole, it's a pretty healthy thing for me to view the documents of my past, however trite they may be. Thus, this attempt at a diary.

But then comes the doubt again. Fear of yet another failed project. The work. What if I look back on this ten years later (!) and catch a glimpse of the moron I was, when what I was really looking for were some fond memories? I dunno.

Really, I think I'm doing this thing because I've been out of college since 1999. I studied writing there. I write songs now, but I don't HAVE to write them. The structure is different, too--I can't just write a song about something that happened to me--I'm an idiot and they have to be "meaningful." I need an assignment. A project. I'm posting my thoughts about the Red Sox on a message board full of high school students just because I need an outlet.

Diary, I've made so many well meant empty promises to you. I want to make amends. Here are the rules, and if we both obey them, I think we'll get along, and I won't disappoint you again:

1) It doesn't matter what I write here. It will not be judged. If that's how it goes, I can write around a point for 45 minutes and not make it.

2) If I want to edit before I submit, that's cool. But not afterwards. That's lame. If I want to reread this crap, I gotta deal with wacky abstract drunken ramblings.

3) If I get discouraged and don't do anything for awhile, it's OK. I don't have to write it off. I need to write stuff down, for better or for worse.

4) Feel free to make stupid jokes. I've looked at some of my old writing that has been spoiled by terrible jokes. These jokes are welcome here, despite how bad they may be upon re-read.

5) In my daily interactions, I go out of my way to not be boastful or self congratulatory. It's fine for my ego to run rampant here. This is for me--I don't have to make excuses to myself.

6) Again, it doesn't have to be good. This isn't good. I've made the same point six times now. That's OK. Calm down.

We've been quite an off and on relationship for quite some time. I want you for the girlfriend part--the remembering what bands I liked three years ago stuff-- but I'm embarrassed by what others would think about me if they caught me hanging around with you, fear the commitment and the work of being in a relationship with you, and am scared that I won't live up to your standards.

I promise I'll give it a try. You're probably sick of the way I've used you and subsequently gone away. If I can't make this work, then, honey, I'll let you go. But I'll remember you.

Let's see what happens...

Entry the first, I guess.