2002-01-04 - 6:19 p.m.

I was told today that I worry too much. Rightfully so, perhaps.

If you ask me, I think that worrying about everything is an excellent defense mechanism.

When I worry, I pick a specific thing that I did or didn't do that could have negative (and usually unintentional) ramifications. I blow it up. I concentrate. I examine the future from all possible angles. I hypothetically defend my actions to my accusers. I also experience genuine remorse.

If the action in question did indeed offend someone and I am confronted, I'm prepared. I have a pre-meditated rebuttal in store, and (more importantly) I feel bad about the whole thing already. I have to go through the sweaty, nervous-feeling-in-my-gut, feeling like I want to pass out or run away or kill myself thing all over again, but it's not so bad. I had time to go through all that before on my own. However imaginary, this worrying does dull the pain a little when the real scorn begins.

Even better is if nothing happens. I love when nothing happens! Then, the relief begins and all that worrying was for naught. Like when I don't bounce a check and I get to keep all of the money I made that week--nothing but relief, and the world opens up a little.