2002-01-08 - 12:47 a.m.

I like to consider myself a very kind and polite person. For this gift, I thank my upbringing (most notably, my mother), and also a stern Catholic* education.

In the face of rudeness, blind ignorance (the easiest to overlook), and me-ish selfishness, I try my darndest to be polite and thoughtful. Even though my courtesy is wasted on most, I have something inside that compels me to follow society's rules.

I'm eternally kind to strangers. I always lose the "sidewalk chicken" game, politely stepping aside so that passersby might walk on the wrong half of the sidewalk. In public, I rarely swear within earshot of others, and never around children. I smile and gush when I open tacky gifts. I would never dream of owning, even for kicks, one of those eye-poking-out implements more commonly known as umbrellas. I give accurate and concise directions to tourists. Cell-phones are for emergencies, and I do not personally own one. If I'm walking in a party that consists of more than two people, I do my best to make sure that the group walks double file (and not three or more abreast). I constantly back off in the face of aggression, and constantly at my own expense. If, in my ignorance, I betray a rule of courtesy, I feel very badly about it later and always vow never to repeat my mistake. Most importantly, I do my absolute best to never look down on those who do (and ever so ostentatiously) breach rules of society any more elegant than running red lights and beating one's kids.

(Friends and acquaintances might have an occasional--and justified--qualm with me, but nobody can honestly say that I have poor manners.)

I know that this is kind of anal, but every now and then, I do web searches on the subject of manners. Every now and then, I glean a few tips. Sometimes, I get angry at rude people, and reading about the grammar of manners just helps me vent a little (and secretly feel a bit superior). Today, I found this site.

(The cardinal rule of "manners" is to never openly criticize the manners of others. I feel justified in breaking this rule here.)

I have never been so appalled in my life. I realize that some of the content on this site is a tad bit self-deprecating, but every joke is at least a little meant at heart.

Oh, I feel so bad for the sprightly young rich girl with luggage (oh my!) who has to stand on a train! Poor thing. That kind of thing really hurts me inside.

They look down on students of other Ivy League colleges! Their version of appalling manners involves drinking the wrong kind of liquor. They are proud of having gone to "finishing school." They have the audacity to call themselves grrls.

And all in the name of Etiquette.

This is just not happening.

Oooh, can I join? No? And you have reasons, too? A list?

Mock, scorn, and belittle those less fortunate than you, Etiquette Girls. Your world is far too complex, exciting, undoubetdly stressful, and beautiful for a poor fuck like me to understand. That's cool.

Just leave the subject of manners to those who have them. (Please.)

Dorothy Parker wannabes. Enjoy identifying with Sex in the City from your equally lofty apartments. Enjoy your exhausting worldly travels and laptop coffeeshops. The pressure! Enjoy your bizarre socially liberal (to the point of condescension) yet blantantly top down philosophy. I'm sorry the wrong guys hit on you when you go slumming. How rude of them. Someone really should do something about those types. I'm also sorry that you can pretty much do anything you want to, and you have the parental funds to do so, yet you already have some sort of weary and romantic notion that the world and most of its inhabitants are boorish and trite.

At least you have each other... Fuck you, the Etiquette Grrls!

*(I am in debt to my Catholic education for one of the better attributes of my personality. Namely, respect for others. Nonetheless, I am most certainly not a practicing member of the Catholic faith. I find no faults with the dogma. I do have a bone to pick (sorry for the pun) with the leadership. Not that the whole thing is a big deal to me. I find it unfortunate that some people get so angry at religious people because a few very loud idiots distort "religion's" overall positive themes.)