2002-01-30 - 1:34 a.m.

So guess what I'm doing?

Making a mix-CD for the Art Gurl. I want to give her a nice present. For the beers she's about to buy me. Sing for my supper.

Essentially, I'm ripping off the CD I made for H (her 3rd--a record for me). But I'm in a hurry, and I just need to get somehting done for tomorrow.

I feel bad. It's a McCD.

Still, it's funny. H. is as knowledgeable about music as I am, with both of us overlapping and giving and taking here or there. I don't think the Art Gurl knows as much as do we. Not a knock, by the way. What was an opus for H. will become an overview for the Art Gurl. And in the realm of overviews, not a very good one. But I trust the Art Gurl enough to enjoy the content.

Also, mix CDs are supposed to be inspired. DIY. Make it up as you go. I'm now recording the exact same songs, which themselves haven't changed, but without decision. Still, the original inspiration remains.

Silly are my pretensions.

I take mix CDs way too seriously, by the way. They're one of the only things I'm good at, being a critic and so on. Not just a laundry list of my pre-established 10 favorite songs. I feel guilty for not doing something more for the Art Gurl. Like I sold myself out.

But it's the thought that counts. That's why I'm still making the CD. Eventually, I will make a CD just for the Art Gurl, from me to her. I'll definitely make different decisions. She'll just have to unknowingly wait.

I still haven't figured out why she wants to be my friend. It's very confusing. She's so cool, yet also very nice to me. I've never seen these two concepts wed. I keep waiting for the punchline, where she does something cruel and belittles me for ever thinking that the two of us could share the same handicap.

It's so weird. I got the computer in front of me, the burner ahead, I keep changing CDs in the discman, and the TV is on behind (the sound helps the Girlfriend sleep). I'm drinking and smoking too. CD jewel cases are lying all over the place, as are CDs.

I feel like this is how my life is supposed to be going, just right now.

Stupid.