2002-03-26 - 1:31 a.m.

I think that's how it went. There's a A&E Biography on Jezebel right now, and it's pretty good.

I dunno. Had a good weekend. Went out with the Roommate to some bars around the city, complete with walking. It's cool to go out to bars�for all the drinkin' I do, I don't hit 'em all that often, and when I do, it's the lame but convenient ones around Government Center or Allston.

Things have been pretty shitty at the Big Company--blind old Fortuna has been spinning my wheel downward. Wench!

S'all good, tho.

C. (from work) and Molly were over tonight. Molly was upset that she wasn't in touch with some of her old friends, and I stayed out of the conversation, hoping that it wouldn't become a gyny-tearfest.

I was asked 'bout keeping in touch with old friends, and I confessed that I'm pretty lame about it.

But it's not my fault, in a way, 'cause I'm never part of the inner circle. Ever. I'm usually just one of those people that's kinda just around, but never there for the big moments.

An extra.

Now that's my fault, pretty much. For not trying hard enough and also for not trying to be the coolest fuck on the planet. But either way, I'm not going to keep in touch with folks who never really cared about me one way or the other. That's just awkward. Chuck n' Buck.

Here's a story.

I went to an all-boy Catholic High school. No sob story, but I had a pretty bad time of it with most of the meatheads that went to the school.

I aligned myself with the Metalheads 'cause they were the smartest, most open-minded group I could find that didn't suck.

Comparatively, of course.

I had my issues, but they were good enough to get me through high school. Once my four years were up, and I got into college, I left 'em behind.

I did feel kinda like a jackass, tho. It's not like anyone really cared that I went away, but I was the only fuck from the group to end up surviving one semester in college (most didn't go).

Most of the college kids I knew were from elsewhere, and all freshmen. They would go on and on about their old suburban friends and how they couldn't wait to see 'em for break.

I could visit my buddies, if I wanted to, by taking public transportation, and I hadn't.

So I invited my two closest buddies up to visit my dorm.

Unic McChowda made it a point to steal all of the marker pens from all of the stupid dorm door dry erase message boards, despite repeated requests not to.

He threw 'em all away.

Jackass McGee muttered faggot under his breath everytime we passed someone in the halls.

He was trying to be funny.

They hung out in my room for awhile, and then they left. That was a relief.

I got a phone message a few days later. GFC, my roommate, who covered his walls in Absolut Vodka ads and was in love with Madonna, and who really did give me a hard time, was freaking out. He played the message for me.

Listen, faggot, I'm gonna fucking kill you. You're a fuck, and you're gonna die. I don't give a fuck about you, faggot, you're a fucking faggot, and you deserve to die from AIDS.

Even though it was left in a deep and distorted voice, I recognized the caller. GFC left to contact the Residence Director, and I "accidentally" deleted the message.

Jackass McGee was trying to be funny.

After that stunt, he was dead to me.

Jackass was bi-polar. He had slapped me before, and in class too.

For such a "smart" kid, you can be really fucking stupid, you know that?"

He would get in fights and then black out. He would kick the living shit out of kids, and without mercy.

He was very attractive and a good actor. He was also very witty when it behooved him.

All the chicks wanted him. He found one he liked, and stuck with her for a couple of years. Maybe he married her. I don�t know.

The first time he hooked up with her, he cocked up to me

Smell my fingers.

He would ridicule everyone else for having ugly girlfriends, or none at all.

Drop. Dead. Gorgeous.

We were walking though the Copley mall and this white trash chick was strolling by arm in arm with a big black bald dude.

That shit makes me so mad. That's why Brendan O'Sissy can't get a girlfriend.

He wanted to start a gang. We all laughed at him behind his back. To his face, however, we were the Stars. Get this�because we hung out behind Star Market and smoked butts.

And we were in Hyde Park, behind an elementary school where we were rehearsing for a summer play, and some crazy dude started yelling at us. He busted out his hair brush and pointed it at the crazy dude.

I'll fuckin' shoot you!

Behind that elementary school, Jackass and Unic McChowda had scrawled their names, along with the caption

Only the good die young.

Yes, the Billy Joel song.

I was a little miffed, but mostly little relieved, to find myself excluded from this death pact.

But these were the friends I had. And I felt a lingering strain of loyalty to them when I left for college.

So I brought 'em up.

Once.

I don't know whatever became of either of 'em. To his credit, Unic McChowdahead was a really bright kid. Probably smarter than me. I guess I'm probably still mad at him for pussying out and never standing up to Jackass.

Just like me.

I did once, though. I pushed him, and I was dead serious about it. He was momentarily kinda scared of me, and how serious I was about it, but mostly he was just reluctant to kick his friend's ass.

I was lucky to get out of it.

And I've seen him a couple of times since.

We do live in the same city.

The last time I saw Jackass was a couple of years ago, at my sister's graduation from high school. His sister was also graduating. The two girls were not friends.

He was sitting in a metal folding chair, fat and not very attractive anymore. I shook his meaty hand, and when he smiled at me, I noticed that his upper right incisor had been cut diagonally, no doubt from a fight he had finally lost.

Staring. Elbows on knees, and into the sun, like someone who had retired or who had just given up. Not noticing.

It was really fucking sad.