2002-06-09 - 1:30 p.m.

Dear Tourists,

Welcome to Boston. I hope you enjoy your stay here. I understand that you're on vacation, but I would like to make a couple of requests. If you follow these simple rules, I promise not to take a lead pipe to your cranium.

1) This might be your first time in the city. OK. Here's something you might not know�when you walk down the sidewalk in either direction, you're supposed to stick to the right-hand side. This makes it easier for everyone. I can't stress this enough.

2) Again, the right-hand side. If you ignorantly walk straight at me and expect me to move to my left to get out of your way, I will collide with you, and you will get hurt.

3) Once again, that's the right-hand side.

4) Boston is a fast-walking city. If you insist on walking slowly, please be considerate of those behind you who want to pass.

4a) Please, please, please, please do not walk five abreast. If you're in a large group, you're supposed to stick to the right-hand side and two-by-two at the most. If there are, say, five of you, that's either leader, couple, couple or couple, couple, caboose.

4b) If you are on a crowded street, please do not allow your group to take up the entire sidewalk while you consult a map, decide whether or not to enter a store or restaurant, or point at things. That's ignorant and very rude. Be considerate and congregate to the side and out of the way of passers-by.

5) If you have to take a picture of someone, do it quickly. If you do this, I will stop and wait for you to take the picture. If you take forever to take the photo, I will, and I repeat, will walk through your picture. I don't care.

6) CONTROL YOUR CHILDREN! I'm fucking serious. I realize that this might be the first time your kid has ever seen a pigeon, but that's no excuse for little Timmy to charge at it. That pigeon is going to fly away, right in my face, or even shit on me. If you buy the kid an ice cream, please watch out that s/he doesn�t smudge it all over an innocent bystander. Keep a close eye on your child so that s/he doesn�t run into pedestrian traffic and cause inconveniences for everyone trying to walk by. Oh, and don�t assume that everyone on the train, and especially those who are reading, want to talk to your kids. I�m not a baby-sitter. That kid is your responsibility, not mine, and if your kid wants to talk to me, I�m gonna fill little Timmy�s head full of leftist propaganda about recycling and the virtues of not owning a car, and you�re not gonna like it. Control your offspring, please.

7) Figure out how to take the subway before you get on it.

7a) If you get on a crowded train, MOVE IN. Look for open space. Don't crowd the doors so that nobody can get on or off. I�m not going to elaborate here �cause I really want this point to sink in.

7b) If you're on the subway, you gotta play by the subway rules. It's your responsibility to remain erect. If you are not elderly or handicapped, but still cannot figure out how not to fall when the train takes a sissy turn or stops short, I'm not going to give up my seat for you so that you can go one stop from Government Center to Park Street. This goes for kids, too. They can stand. You decided to take them on the subway, you can keep an eye on them. I have to take this thing every day to get to work. I'm not going to give up my seat every day because you're on vacation and having a good time.

8) If you are part of an enormous tour group of, say, 40, keep in mind that you are being very annoying to everyone else and that life would be far more convenient for all if your group of 40 was elsewhere. Be especially considerate, please.

9) If it is raining and you insist on carrying around an umbrella, keep in mind that this does not give you the right to not look where you're going. Choose an umbrella that is just large enough to keep you dry. You don't need a tent. Remember that you're holding something that makes the total amount of space you take up significantly larger than normal, and act accordingly.

9a) People who abuse umbrellas will be the first against the wall when the Revolution comes.

10) I do not exist for the sole purpose of providing you directions to some ridiculous place that is very easily found. Being in a new city is an adventure and a challenge�try being self-reliant and finding your own way to Faneuil Hall or Cheers. If you do stop me on the street and waste my time by asking me for directions, please�

10a) �listen to what I'm telling you. I give excellent directions that will get you exactly where you want to go. Don't just listen to the first thing that I say, walk 40 feet, and then ask someone else how to continue on.

10b) Thank me. I'm not obligated to tell you anything. Don't act as if I'm being paid to help you find your way. If one more person is rude to me as I�m trying to help them, I will start giving people directions to Roxbury. I'm serious.

11) If you are from New York, a Yankees fan, and are here to attend a Sox/Yankees game, don't be an asshole about it. I won't cry for you if you get your ass kicked.

12) If you are an Irish student spending the summer abroad, living in a two-bedroom, and with fourteen roommates, please be considerate. Just because you don't live in Boston all year around doesn't mean that you can smash bottles all over the place and get into fist-fights with anyone and everyone just because your soccer team lost their world cup game. Treat your neighborhood as if you lived there all year round. Bostonians that are fourth-generation Irish are gonna kiss your ass, you're taking up jobs and housing that could go to a Bostonian (and I'm hiring you right now, so I can say this), and you're stealing all the cute drunk chicks. Things are good. There's no need for you to smash things.

13) Would you visit a friend's house for dinner and make fun of their tacky art at the dinner table? I would hope not. So why visit Boston and make fun of our accents? I worked hard to get rid of mine, but some people aren't so lucky. There are hard-working people living here, and they're not on vacation. Their accents help contribute to Boston's unique culture, which is fading and fading and fading 'cause of chain stores, yuppies, and tourists like you. Make fun of the accent and I will stab you. I'm serious.

14) Don't act like a jackass cause you have money. I don't care. Your tourist money might be contributing to Boston's economy, but I don't see a penny of it. Money doesn't heal stab wounds.

15) If you don't like the taste of your own garbage, don't throw it on the ground.

Follow these rules and I will not hurt you. We can live side by side in peace. I might seem anal about this. I might seem like I need to chill. And yes, I am bitter. I don't care. I live here. I pay a great deal of rent. I have to put up with the college students all school year, and the minute they leave, I gotta put up with you and the summer students. The only break I get from non-residents is Christmas vacation, and even then most of the good stores, bars, and restaurants are closed for the week.

One nitwit going around, acting like a jackass, is tolerable. 10,000 jackasses coming from here every single day, straight off the shuttle-bus from Logan, driving up the restaurant prices, making it impossible for me to easily walk from point a to point b is a different story.

Be considerate, and please, please, please walk on the right-hand side.

Thank you.