2002-06-18 - 2:24 a.m.

You know how at the end of some video games, when you finish a level or when your character dies, you get to see your stats?

When I die, I really would like to see mine. Number of beers I drank. Number of truly meaningful moments vs. number of moments I missed out on 'cause I was being a short-sighted asshole. The names of all of the girls who have had secret crushes on me. And the guys. All the family secrets that were never revealed to me, or that I was too afraid to ask. The total amount of time I've spent waiting for busses and trains. Percentage of interpersonal conflicts where I actually was right. The CD I logged the most listening hours to.

Have I said this before? Am I the only paranoid and self-obsessed freak on earth who has ever thought about this stuff?

I don't like to make the tough decisions at all. This, in combination with the fact that I'm lazy, is why my profile page isn't all that much to write home about.

I'm gonna take a stab in the dark and project my current stats, to this date. I could be way off base, I could be dead accurate�I guess only time will tell.

Anyway, without further ado, here goes:

1) Number of beers drank (thus far):

14,052.5 At a cost of, say, two fifty a pop (factoring in tips, and also the fact that I usually drink at home (cheaper) and some freebies, I've spent a total of $351,312.50 on beer over the last seven years, or a little over $50K anually.

OK. Albeit scary, that figure can't possibly be correct. But hey, that's why I need God to keep track of this kinda shit for me.

2) Like an actor graciously accepting an Oscar, I'm going to apologize here in case, in my haste, I forget anyone. But I will below list the albums that I feel I've spent the most hours listening over the course of my life, and in no discernable order:

Apollo 18 by They Might be Giants

Junta by Phish

Either/Or by Eliott Smith

The White Album by the Beatles

Weld by Neil Young

Nevermind by Nirvana

...And Justice for All by Metallica

Isolation Drills by Guided by Voices

Fegmania! by Robyn Hitchcock

Eye by Robyn Hitchcock

The Keershaw Sessions by Robyn Hitchcock

Thriller by Michael Jackson

Add It Up by the Violent Femmes

Pride by White Lion

the No Alternative compilation

Marquee Moon by Television

Little Earthquakes by Tori Amos

Reign in Blood by Slayer

Mirror Ball by Neil Young

the DGC Rarities compilation

Invisible Hits by the Soft Boys

Master of Puppets by Metallica

Skyscraper by David Lee Roth

Bonehead by Half Japanese

I Can Hear the Heart Beating as One by Yo La Tengo

Racially Yours by the Frogs

Hysteria by Def Leppard

Ill Communication by the Beastie Boys

Let's Knife! by Shonen Knife

Experimental Jet Set, Trash, and No star (?) by Sonic Youth

World Dance Party! by the Fools

Bakesale by Sebadoh

Harmacy by Sebadoh

Colors by Ken Nordine

Terror Twilight by Pavement

Crooked Rain, Crooked Rain by Pavement

Bossanova by the Pixies

Strange but True by Half Japanese and Yo La Tengo

Got No Shadow by Mary Lou Lord

Appetite for Destruction by Guns n� Roses

No Depression by Uncle Tupelo

If You�re Feeling Sinister by Belle and Sebastian

Trust by Elvis Costello

Armed Forces by Elvis Costello

First Band on the Moon by the Cardigans

Where you Been? by Dinosaur Jr.

A Star for Bram by Robyn Hitchcock

Miles in the Sky by Miles Davis

Featuring �Birds� by Quasi

R&B Transmogrification by Quasi

Solitude Standing by Suzanne Vega

99.9 Farenhight Degrees by Suzanne Vega

It�s Love by the Softies

Winter Pageant by the Softies

I Often Dream of Trains by Robyn Hitchcock

Fun by Daniel Johnston

Holiday in Rhode Island by the Softies

There�s Nothing Wrong with Love by Built to Spill

The Soft Bulletin by the Flaming Lips

Permanent Vacation by Aerosmith

Bloodletting by Concrete Blonde

Kiss me, Kiss me, Kiss me by the Cure

Vulgar Display of Power by Pantera

Fantasma by Cornelius

OK. I should stop now. And I'm not proud of everything on this list, but that's not the point. I could go thirty years without hearing any of these, and still be able to sing along. Each of the above albums has easily logged in 100+ hours of listening time.

Each of these albums were lovers of mine.

(PS--Obviously, I figured out the error in my beer calculations, but I thought it would be more interesting/funny to leave it be. Think of it as a backhanded tribute.)