2002-10-15 - 1:21 a.m.

There's a radiator in my room, and it makes me happy.

I don't have any control over the heat, like I did in Allston, so the radiator is kinda like my buddy.

Sometimes not there at all. Sometimes there all too often. And I live for the perfect moments. And nothing I can say or do will change anything.

It makes me happy, 'cause I get to learn and adapt, and feel like a real person.

Huh?

When I was in Allston, and I could control the heat, the room sort of became an extension of myself. Not that I'm all about heat, mind you.

But here, it's entirely up to some inanimate object (I think) to make those decisions for me.

And I'll open or close the window accordingly.

Also, the surprises. Heat comes on, just when I want it to? I'm happy.

Heat goes off on the coldest day of the year? I'm happy.

The same kinda accidental happy that I cherished so much when I lived in Allston and the power went out all the time. Yeah, it was annoying, but I think we all secretly enjoyed it, like a cut on a finger that you get to nurse and dress up in band-aids.

No TV. No stereo. Lighting the dark void with candles, replacing the chaos from the TV with singing, with playing guitar.

Power goes out? You're forced to do something else. I got so much reading done by candlelight.

I do love the heat on a cold night.

I love the fall more than anything. I�ve been loving it more than anything for way too long, of course, but, at this point, loving anything too much will do.

I took a walk to get a pack of cigarettes tonight, not because I really needed them (although it�s nice that I don�t have to worry about running outta smokes), but �cause I wanted to jump into the ocean for one last dive one last time before leaving.

Fall air. Ciche�, but I don�t care. It�s my clich�, I invented it, and I can talk about multicolored leaves, like a third grader trying to write a poem, as much as I want to. So back off.

On the way back, air nothing more or less than crisp, I thought to myself you�ve been promising me for months that I�ll be happy once the fall comes.

And I replied to myself. I said How many seasons have you wasted, waiting for the big moment? This is the big moment. When you get home, and you get to sniff that special heat smell wafting from the radiator, that�sthe big moment too. The real big moment, the one you want to happen, will never happen, �cause you don�t know what it is. And it would kill you anyway, �cause you could then measure your life in terms of pre-big-moment and post-baptism. You�re like Charlie Brown in the pumpkin patch.

And then I said the big moment will happen, even though I know it won�t. That�s what drives me. I�m working towards it.

And then I said washing dishes doesn't count. If you want it, you have to go out there every day and do it. That�s the only way it can ever happen.

And then I said I can give you examples of people who got there with little to no effort! .

And then I said but we both know that will never happen to you.

And then I said I can give you oodles of examples of basically anything to refute any of your arguments.

And then I said your ability to guiltily justify your poor decisions is unparalleled, but it�s not doing you any good.

And then I said but, and don�t tell anyone I said this, but I don�t wanna put any effort into anything. If something occurs to me, I�ll write it down. If I feel like it�s time to do this or that, I will. I make witty observations for my friends to enjoy. I�m sensitive and artistic. I worship really good music, and it�s healthy. Maybe not so healthy with women, but name me one non straight-and-narrow who isn�t. And besides, I�m doing better than some. I guess that I�m smart, even though I don�t feel like I deserve such a distinction, and I do take responsibility for my life, and I�m better about this crap than was three years ago, and I could do better with it all if I had the feeling, but someone keeps taking the feeling away, and if I find that motherfucker, I swear to god I�ll kill him.

And then I said you really hate to hear this shit, but you�re right. I�m not gonna argue with anything you just said. How �bout them apples?

And then I said so, basically, then, I�m screwed, right?

And then I said right.

And most of the stuff I desire so much is stuff I never got ten years ago?

Right

And I�ll never get those things?

Right.

But what about living? What to live for?

I dunno. I just make you feel bad when you fuck up.

And it�s OK to constantly be afraid of losing my job and becoming some zombie that smells like pee, trying and pathetically failing to making a joke about a hardware store to horrified folks sitting outside a coffee shop in Inman Square?

Yup. If you leave the Big Company for greener pastures, be they green or dirt, I�ll be a-grazin�. Oh, and by the way, if you keep waiting for someone else to take responsibility for your life, your fears will become accurate.

OK--so if I do everything right, will you go away?

Won�t happen. You know that I�ll be around �cause you know that nobody is perfect.

Will you be haunting me for the rest of my life?

Probably. I�m stronger than you. Whenever you make a mistake, I�ll be there. In fact, I was there. Whenever you pull the lazy route, I�ll be there to encourage you. I�ll be there to comfort you when you feel down, and I�ll be there to send you ever more downwards. I�ll never let go of the rope, I promise. That just happens to other people.

I hate you.

I know. I hate you too. But I also love you. I�m so glad to have met someone who can understand this dichotomy. You can get a cheeseburger now if it will make you feel better.

Thanks. Actually, it does. Can I go to bed now?