2002-11-19 - 2:39 a.m.

Were it my job to give worst jingle ever distinctions to companies that advertise on television, there would be no controversy at all when I awarded the supreme medal of honor to the fine folks at Pillsbury.

I mean, come on. The crescents ditty is definitely the most poorly written, all over the place, jingle ever. Thing is, though--there�s nothing really funny about it. That�s why it sucks so horribly--there�s a mediocre the show�s about to start, but it�s actually MOM! that�s on stage thing going, but they don�t even get that right, and it�s just tough to watch.

Laughing at that commercial is like trying to masturbate to scrambled porn--you wanna, you know you�re supposed to, there are no viable alternatives, but doing so takes effort and tons of imagination.

My personal favorite Pillsbury ad is for some cinnamon strudel-like thingie, where the ma bakes �em for the entire family. Which is fine, which is normal (except for the tiny effeminate man made from dough weirding it up, but let�s ignore that). The ad basically says you�re a family, you do family stuff, American stuff, like eating strudel. OK--I�ll believe that for the thirty second run of the ad...

But then there�s this splathering 15 year old boy, at the peak of his most awkward awkwardness, in his pajamas, eating frickin� strudel.

It just doesn�t make any sense.

American families have no awkward fifteen-year-old-boys.

Strudel is for Moms, Dads, and little kids. People with the potential or capacity for cuteness.

Awkward 15-year-old-boys do not belong in these types of situations. They should be in their rooms playing D&D, or on the internet, or smoking pot, or at a friend�s house, �watching wrestling,� or at the mall, or throwing eggs or rocks at things. For all I care, they can be doing all of the above right now.

Just keep �em out of America�s wholesome ads. I�m not suggesting that we kill awkward fifteen-year-old boys, so much as suggesting that, as we let them have their MAD TV, that they give us the courtesy of staying out of the rest of our strudel ads.

I ask you, what kind of hidden agenda are the folks at Pillsbury trying to shove down our throats like so much strudel?

That�s why I�ve started this online petition to remove awkward 15-year-old-boys from family oriented commercials. �Cause they disturb me, and they disturb you too.

Please forward this e-mail to as many people as possible, because if you don�t, those Pennsylvania mine workers will never get freed.

God bless, and goodnight.