2002-12-20 - 1:52 a.m.

Oh, ploab.

I'm a fuckhead (to myself) when it comes to entries that are hard to write.

No, it wasn't about you.

I'm a pinball, and my life is an endless series of nudges.

I�m the chick that randomly goes and sing! after the first ...we can dance in The Safety Dance, if you know what I mean. I won�t spell it out for you.

I dunno. I wanna give back, you know? I always sit back and watch people be themselves, and I wonder why I even get to be there. I guess I just kinda am. And it�s great, and I�m not fishing for compliments or anything like that, it�s just kinda weird for me.

I know now that it takes tons of effort and/or energy to be some personality-esque explosion of a person. I�ve been able to do it every now and then, and yeah, it is pretty friggin� taxing.

And it�s pretty frickin� lame of me to go home and be all broody, when I have outgoing friends who like to dance and party and what not, and don�t mind if I�m there for the ride.

All I gotta do is give back. And I�m not giving back when I�m all Red House Painters about anything and everything.

Maybe that�s just my angle.

I�m writing around shit now, and it�s just making things worse, like I thought it would.

Fuckin� A.

So, what I�ll say is, here�s to something.

Anything. Whatever. I don�t care.

Here�s to it.

OK--I�ll say it. This is what�s bothering me.

I have so many people in my life that I�d do almost anything for. That I care about deeply, that I respect, that I cherish.

And all I wanna do is get to know them better. Do friend stuff. Talk.

And when we talk, when we do friend stuff, it�s always, always good.

Until someone blares some crazy dance music.

But I don�t do that. Not do as in blare crazy dance music. Do as in do the whole dance thing that I can�t explain but that you might know what I�m talking about if you know me. I just don�t. It�s not me.

I try. Sometimes I fake it pretty well. Sometimes I even feel it, but when I do, it�s fantasy fulfillment--I�m in the agile body of someone I admire.

It�s just so abrupt when I�m in the middle of talking to someone about something, and then all of a sudden, some song comes on that I know nothing about, �cause I don�t care, and there it is, everyone�s groovin�, and I�m outside looking in.

And I�m not very good at dealing with that.

I feel like (and I know that it�s not true, but we�re talking about what I feel like), and at the time, I feel like my conversation compatriot is choosing to go out and shake some booty over whatever it was that I was talking about.

Abandoned, and I always reach for my beer or a smoke. And then I�m the drinkin� alone, fumblin� confidence shaken dude that�s the only one not dancin�. And that�s pretty lonely and sad.

At the same time, imagine talking to someone you really admire, talkin� about whatever, �cause they�re together, and have tons of personality, and they know all about music you really love, or something else dear to your heart, and imagine that they�re so warm, you just wanna rip your heart outta your ribcage and give it to them, and all of a sudden...

Music, the rhythm, makes me dancin�

...comes on, and if you�re lucky, you get an excuse me.

I am NOT complaining. At all. Not one bit. And I really from the bottom of my heart mean it. Not one complaint.

I�m just not made for dancin�. I�m not made for environs that are less than intimate.

I made a promise to be true to myself. Maybe I could become a slick playa. I could fit in if I really wanted to.

But I don�t, and I can�t, and I won�t.

So here�s the deal--you wanna invite me out to the club �cause you care about me and think I�m worth inviting?

That�s so cool, and it melts my heart that you�d do so.

But just realize that I�m not in an environment where I can give back. I�ll try, but I make no promises.

You wanna come down to my apartment, drink some beers, listen to my music, and whatever else?

That�s so cool, and it melts my heart that you�d do so.

And I promise to make the whole experience worth the dancing withdrawal.

Baby let me show you how to do it. Just move it.

You�re doing fine.