2003-01-01 - 7:11 p.m.

Today is the first day of 2003. Nothing major happened last night, enough to give me stuff to mull today, but nothing life changing. Tone setting? Perhaps.

I did get a New Year�s kiss, which was nice, (two, in fact) and I think I managed to not do anything stupid. I took a long long conjecturin� walk today, and thought about it--my behavior last night was less than admirable or heroic, but I did take care of a friend, and I didn�t do anything really jackass-ish.

But, like my life in general, there were a few questionable moments here and there--not what an asshole moments, no rules broken either, but moments where I did things contrary to my immense and grey moral code.

Wasn�t a night for the ol� gettin�-into-heaven resum�, but what night is?

I think many of my problems stem from me expecting too much from myself, and then constantly feeling bad for not living up to my own secret and creul standards.

Yeah, it�s not perfect, but if I need a lift, I compare myself to others. I should try to do that more instead. At least I�m not this, at least I�m not that, or that guy with the pathetic fake grandma story from the bar last night.

It�s not like I have a problem (that I�m aware of) that I�m not currently working on (the degree of success is irrelevant), and I don�t believe in temporary January 12-step resolution programs, but I think I�m gonna put a little more effort into not being so hard on myself this year, as well as the ol� being happy with who I am. Oh, and I know I�m a good person, so I don�t care if you think I�m grating or stupid could use a little work as well.

Next year? Masochistic over-analysis of everything remotely pertaining to me, obscenely unnecessary shame, and constant narcissistic paranoia. If I�m lucky. Oh, and crack--that can wait a year.

Yeah, I�m not the greatest guy in the world. But I�m closer to being him than I am to being the biggest asshat on the planet.

So there.