2003-03-23 - 2:19 a.m.

So do I get some of that oil?

I mean, I take the bus, I take the train, I walk--I don�t drive a car.

I�m also not in any way involved with a company that needs oil.

In fact, I don�t know any way how I�m gonna use that free oil that�s coming my way.

And will it come in the mail? Am I supposed to pick it up somewhere? Do I have to fill out forms?

I�m at a loss--I mean, it�s nice that the military is doing a favor for me, putting lives on the line and what not, lead tanks engaged, mopping up pockets of resistance, all for me, and I wanna thank the military reps on the news for helping me understand it all, but I just wanna know, what am I gonna do with all this oil?

OK--so this war is a joke--soldiers training for this moment, which will pay off in the next war. You know that�s coming, right?

I can�t wait until we liberate Iraq. I�m totally ready for millions of Iraqis to be in charge of Iraq, and I�m sure that that�s what America wants, too--you betcha, when this war is over, when Iraq is finally liberated, you bet the first thing that happens will be free elections, a la America.

I can�t wait.

And I can�t wait �till the next war. Our troops are gonna be so battle trained! And we�re gonna be prepared for firefights, for radicals, for enduring freedom, for whatever, as long as we win.

�Cause I got oil in the mail coming. Or, at least, instructions as to where to pick it up.

It�ll be worth it--I�ll find a way to use that oil--I�ll be rich soon. And so will we all.