2003-04-11 - 2:14 a.m.

If the next month works out the way I want it to, I'll be fine. More than fine. Awesome, in fact. I heard Ramona sing.

Not gonna think too much about it, though, the hazy pampered life, and why are there palm trees in this vision? No, eyes on the prize.

I'm doing everything I can, but all I can ultimately do is coax things my way, like an olympic curler with a silly broom.

If things don't go my way, hey. I heard Ramona sing. I still got time, and although I don't need or even warrant one, I could learn from a massive cosmic bitch slap.

I'm seeing Daniel Johnston tomorrow.

Wait, lemme say that again.

I'm seeing Daniel Johnston tomorrow.

I'm seeing Daniel Johnston tomorrow.

I'm seeing Daniel Johnston tomorrow.

Oh, I should probably talk about my show. Practice paid off, but I forgot that when you play live, you sing into a mic and your guitar is separate. I got a ton of me in the monitor, and I had to adjust the whole time. And kick it down a notch, which is odd for me.

I think that if I had my own stage, my own soundboard, I'd be addicted. Absolutely, narcissistically addicted. But isn't addiction inherently narcissistic? Oh, and I'd say stuff like that all the time, too.

Seriously, it's been so long, and I forgot how much work microphones and PAs and what not do for you.

Here�s my setlist, while I still remember it:

Somerville. Empty. Madonna of the Wasps. Refrigerator Magnets. Motor Away. Nowhere To Be. Fourth Time Around. Hallie�s Song. Dream a Little Dream.

Yeah, some covers, but it�s been awhile, and I do covers really well.

Oh, and here�s the other thing about playing live that I always forget. You can�t see anyone. There�s lights. There�s figures. Of course, you know where your friends are, but they can see you much better than you can see them.

I dunno. I mean, were I used to having a mic in front of me, maybe it�d be different. As much as I remind myself not to, I tend to stare at my guitar neck, to make sure I�m playing the right chords. I don�t get much time onstage, and although I love it, and though I have carved some stage presence out, I don�t foresee a show any time soon where it�s anything more than a blur afterwards.

And that�s great. I like that. Keep those shows coming.

I tenaciously won myself a 10:00 spot, so my friends could see me play, but some dude no-showed, and the sound dude wanted to get the hell out, so I got the extra-long set I asked for, but all except for the Roommate and the Art Gurl (major, major, major friend points awarded) missed the entire show. No, Ertie got to see the last two songs.

That kinda sucked. I remember getting off stage, and in a hurry, and seeing all my friends show up right then. My dear friend R. (from college), the Deaneski, C. (from work), and even this dude showed.

The organizing chick gave me a five dollar bill, I don�t know why (I made change with the bartender--two crisp PBRs), and I introduced her to all my friends who missed my �performance.� It all happened so fast.

They did ask me to come back.

And I will. And it was so nice that my friends came to see me play, even though they missed me, and even though all I did was apologize when I should have been basking in birthday-esque temporary invincibility.

Oh, and I probably exceed the balance on myyou have to participate in this event I�m involved with obligation credit card, and I�m looking at six months before I break even, but that�s OK.

It�s OK.

In the kiddie realm of you can grow up to be president, or a writer, or an astronaut, or both!, yeah, I can do whatever I wanna and things will turn out OK.

In this world, at this moment, I�m pretty much supposed to be jumping through a flaming window to save myself.

I�m scared of heights, fire, windows, and leaving, and I�m not very good at saving myself, either.

Jeezus, that sounds like a stupid Diaryland banner ad.

Michael Penn would write the Diaryland banner ad to end all Diaryland banner ads. I wanna have coffee, not beer, with him. He uses words like parthenon, mimeograph and empire, and rhymes �em to boot.