2003-06-25 - 3:04 a.m.

I get really let down when I hunker down and do things the right way and keep getting thwarted all the same. I know that I shouldn�t be expecting immediate results or anything, of course, but it�s not like it�s not disappointing.

When I get in a rut where I�m kinda used to things going wrong for me, or at the very least when I notice more often than I normally do when things go wrong, I start to analyze the individual scenarios. Which is good at first--I mean, if I�m upset about something, I should try to find out what it is that I�m upset about, and then work on it, right? Right.

But all roads lead to Rome--I�m an annoying, pretentious skeezebag who will put more effort into taking the easy way out than would be required to do things the right way, I�d rather complain than THINK, and I can convince myself that everything is OK (for now) when it�s clearly not--I can convince myself that I�m working on the problem, and then get away with not changing a goddamn thing for months.

But what about those times where I actually give the whole doing things the right way routine a shot? Shouldn�t I get that little boost from karma--the easy gold star earned from the labors of doing nothing else but paying attention in class, for once?

Nah. I mean, what am I complaining about? OK--this. If I�m doing things the right way, and I have been for awhile, and if when I don't do things the right way, it ain't on purpose, (and if the eternal but I�m doing ever so much better than some folks is indeed true), shouldn�t it, then, be easier to live with myself?

I don�t wanna be a bum-out or anything. OK--this is officially a crappy entry. But we shall proceed.

I guess the answer is that doing things the right way leads only to discovering an endless series of things, increasingly more difficult, that need to be done the right way. Growth is shedding and shedding is sadness. Growth is sadness. But sadness is not growth.

I�m fighting tooth and nail against adulthood, and I�m shedding baby teeth, and those nails aren�t lodged deep enough in the wood of the doorframe to hold forever.

I wanna do only what I have to do to fake it forever well enough, but another part of me wants to just do it the right way, and is even starting to question the motives of its oppressor. It�s starting to take over. It�s a bizarre transition, but I think I understand what�s happening now. Part of me is still going to fight it, but part of that part of me doesn�t see why it would be so bad to give in.

Don�t blame me, I voted for Kodos.

Anyway, I guess that once you get used to what the reward is for acting like an adult, it gets better from there. And it�s not like I have to give up TMBG or Yo La Tengo, or beer, or anything really. I just clean house every now and then, and it�s always hard for me to throw things away. It�s natural for the nostalgic part of me to raise a little stink when the practical part surveys the whole person and says that, this, and especially this, have got to go.

I�ll feel better once I can produce some tangible proof. I do have a show coming up on July 7th--that's nice and concrete.

This is a good life I�m living, despite how I kick myself around. I just think I take too long to move on. Playing video games as a kid, I�d always spend a little extra time poking around each level before finishing it, trying everything that had ever worked once to find the secrets, the clues, the skills, the items that I didn�t wanna have to go all the way back for in order to beat the game.