2003-07-10 - 1:12 a.m.

I think a lot about what�s going on in my life, true, but for the past couple of days I�ve been keenly focused in brief patches about this specific relationship or that far away moment, and at the same time I�m in a zone where there are really awesome and really shitty things going on in my life at the same time (which never happens to me), and I�m also generously forgiving myself for some stuff but at the same time I�m being harder on myself than usual, (and I�m still getting adjusted to summer�s blazing concrete demands), and I really don�t wanna make any kind of decision about anything, until this passes, even though I�m aware that this is a time for decisions. I feel, right now, like I�m trapped inside of a tarot card.

Sometimes I wanna see a psychologist. I want to see if I got my shit together. I want someone to tell me if I do, or help me if I don�t. I want to pass or fail a test conducted by an absolute professional dedicated to his field, either way--pass or fail--so I know.

I wanna spill my guts out to a total stranger.

I guess that�s why I write here.