2003-09-10 - 2:55 a.m.

What the hell would happen if I just right now, right here, came up with the most absolute and immutable complaint ever?

One that encompassed the complaints of all people, from Swift to Sinclair Lewis to Michael Eisner to Rush Limbaugh to Mailer to Dr. Ruth to Jerry Garcia?

Waitresses and plumbers and crusty ex-cops and car thieves and those who teach in red one-room schoolhouses, housewives and houseboys, they'd be floored that I put it so simply.

Scholars and the junkies Neil Young described as setting suns, the pushers that supply both, and the ignorant folks who can't understand how either got that way, but sure as hell don't like it, everyone, what if everyone agreed with my ultimate complaint?

What if I could do it? People have, to varying degrees of subtlety, tried for centuries to get everyone lined up behind their big complaint.

Our complaints, more than anything, define us. How many things are we for. Now how many things are we against?

We're, most of us, for love, and understanding. Or dance. Or pie.

But for everything we cherish, there's seven things that tick us off.

The most well mannered of our species look down at and fear the slobs that loiter about our city streets.

The most ill-mannered of our species perceive this hulking system trying to repress them at every twist and turn, and wanna steal from, or kill, the human representatives of this culture of repression.

I dunno. It's all a complaint. I'm complaining. Everyone's always complaining, handing out leaflets, protesting.

Nobody's ever happy with the way things are run. Nobody's ever happy with the food they eat. I guess it's good 'cause it usually means good progress, Darwin style, but I dunno.

What if someone could sum up everyone's complaints and then get the word out? What if anybody could just put their finger on what everyone's been trying to figure out forever?

Would it change anything? Probably?

The closest anyone ever got was Jesus and his golden rule--you know, do unto others as you would have them do to you.

Problem is, there are so many "people" out there who don't care what's done to them.

And there are so many people out there who deliberately choose to be repressed. Who want other people to do the thinkin' for 'em.

I dunno. My big complaint is that, no matter how many smart writers and artists, and statesmen and scientists, and humanitarians, you have, over centuries, working on the problems of mankind, we still haven't come close to agreeing what what the problems are, which I guess makes us diverse and stuff, but wouldn't it nice to be able to come to some kind of conclusion?

The last one we had was pioneered by Hammurabi (eye for an eye).

I think we should get a little more creative here.

I�m not saying that complaining is not productive, but how productive is it really? For every asshat in America that was for the war, there was a protester willing to step out and stand for their convictions. We still had war.

Previously, these same asshats were shocked (shocked!) to discover that the big (supposedly) Liberal Clinton got a bj from (if you ask me) a rather attractive young woman who was not his wife. So they complained and complained and complained. Clinton still served out his term.

OK--so here it is, I guess. There�salways gonna be a bunch of people who wanna read their bibles when they�re not invading other countries to build empires, and who either, depending on sex, wanna serve or be served dinner.

And there�s always gonna be a bunch of people who wanna drink coffee and read lots of good books and try to make the world a better place as best they can, and if that world includes men going to the bathroom on each other, then so be it, as long as everyone�s happy and holding hands (after washing).

Both sides are diametrically opposed and can argue for ever and ever and ever and ever. And ever. Both sides will always think the other side is evil. And neither side will ever be able to enjoy their perfect vision �cause the other side is always in the way, making this or that small step forward, pushing the line one step back.

So they fight the fight of history. And they need an impartial judge. But who�se left to judge?

The idiots.

The moderates. Don�t be confused by moderators, who help solve disputes by being fair and wise and true. Moderates are people who can�t make up their minds. Moderates are the folks who can�t figure out if they�re going to vote for the Democrat or Republican candidate three days before the presidential election.

Months of campaigning during the primaries, months of campaigning afterward, debates, scandals, coverage, analysis, three days left, and you�re undecided? You shouldn�t be allowed to pick your nose.

A factory worker with a family hugging the poverty line who will vote for whatever candidate he perceives likes America more? Moderate. A dentist with a healthy income and three healthy kids with perfect smiles, a college grad with more than enough years under his belt, who still can�t, or can�t bother to, figure out where he stands on abortion and the death penalty? Moderate. College party kids who feel �alienated� and who like Radiohead? Future moderates.

The fate of the world is determined by people who need a deadline as monumental as a presidential election to make up their minds.

People on the right and people on the left, people who at the very least committed to something, some goal greater than their own well being, have to constantly pander to people who can�t make up their minds.

Liberal but have a special interest? Please, no demands--we have our hands full at the moment. Sorry buddy, who else are you gonna vote for? You still want book reading to be legal, right? Sorry, but we own you on this one.

Socially conservative, yet poor? Yeah, buddy, gonna vote for a better deal for the weak? You�re also voting for that painting of the Madonna with cow dung smeared on it.

It�s the moderates, happy and free, who can�t make up their goddamn minds, who can�t pick a team, who rule the world.

Ever since we stopped having Kings, ever since we left it to what ideology can fool the most people into thinking that it�s on their side, that the other side made mistakes that must be corrected, it�s been a tug of war, and the moderates who get all the concessions.

Debate has its place, even over history, and perhaps social change should be slow as molasses to cover an entire country. I mean, apparently everyone needs to get caught up--it�s not OK to beat up homosexuals anymore. Got it?

But I just wish that more folks would (and I�m gonna sound conservative here) take their responsibility as citizens more seriously.

Because the next time I watch a presidential debate, where both candidates clearly state their positions on issue X, and then watch the segment following where moderate/undecided voters get interviewed and some assclown says as a mother of three, I�m really concerned that neither candidate addressed issue X, I�m gonna throw my shoe at the TV, unless there�s a bigger shoe around to throw.

It�s getting to the point where I�m expecting party primaries and presidential elections to run like episodes of Survivor.

Stupid people shouldn�t be allowed to vote. I guess that�s my big complaint.

There should be no more stupid people. I think make the I just might cut.