2003-10-23 - 3:57 a.m.

After the shock, after the (and before the next) tears, after the sense of injustice I felt over one of my most irreplaceable teachers throwing his arms up and walking out in the middle of class, I felt I had to learn something from it.

I learned today that I shouldn�t be afraid of bullies, �cause they�re all ignorant, each and every one of �em.

And that you shouldn�t like bullies either, �cause that makes you stupid.

That was a joke.

I learned today, once and for all, that ignorant jackasses that think they�re smart are to be ignored at all costs. Not the ignore �em and they�ll go away (i.e. stop bothering you) concept my ma taught me. Ignore �em, meaning just that--pretend they don�t exist, and then they don�t (i.e. they�ve gone away).

I learned this from reading the Fark forum that the admins grudgingly posted nearly a day after Elliott Smith killed himself.

I think we all want to teach what we know, and for some people, that�s saying something brilliant and trying to change the world. For some people, that�s beating your kids. For some people, that�s writing ROTFLMFAO in an AOL chat room, for some people, it�s white-out graffiti on a bus seat, for some people it�s legislation, for some people it�s putting a gun to someone�s head and asking for money, for some people it�s smearing cow dung on a painting of the virgin mary, for some people it�s writing and recording music, for some people it�s actually teaching kids their A-B-Cs, for some people it�s writing and recording music, for some people it�s city planning, for some people it�s setting fires, for some people it�s putting out the fires, for some people it�s rebuilding, for some people it�s I work so hard to keep my family fed, for some people it�s I work so hard to keep my family fed and how dare you be a lesbian, or rich, or on welfare, or mentally challenged, for some people it�s a professional working environment, for some people it�s absolutely nothing.

Nobody ever wins. Ever.

There�s no way I can really teach anything to anybody. We can show each other paths, but we shouldn�t be disappointed when zero people follow. People are either stuck where they or they aren�t, or they might be coming out or the might not be.

I thought that perhaps teaching was my gift, but I�m not so sure of that now. Or perhaps my approach has been wrong all this time.

I can�t explain how I came to the above conclusion--that there�s nothing to fear but fear itself, which I�ve been coming to for the past 26 years anyway. I don�t know why a stupid Fark forum proves anything, anyway. I don�t know anything, and I mean that, and I know less every day.

But from this point on, I don�t care what anyone thinks about me, as long as I know that what I�m doing is right. As long as I can live with myself and the decisions I make, what anyone else thinks of me is absolutely irrelevant.

I think that, perhaps, the problem is that I'm unwilling to take sides in an argument between myself and someone who disagrees--I wanna see the other person's side too. Although dentists around the world are probably sick to death of finding new and innovative ways of convincing people to brush their teeth. The idea is, I guess, to learn, not win.

I am going to get my act together and start recording. This is for myself, but in honor of Elliott, who I hope is wherever he needs to be next.

I like to picture him cradled by angels, just as I liked to picture him when he was with us.