2003-10-23 - 11:52 a.m.

Okay, that didn't make any sense at all.

I mean, I know what I was trying to get at, at least. Perhaps the timing was off.

As for Elliott, I found out from an e-mail. It was titled Elliott, and I read and answered several other e-mails before reading it. I knew it was either going to be either a really awesome e-mail (like he's playing at Zuzu to a crowd of no more than 100--head down to the Middle East to get tickets NOW), or it was going to be what I had been preparing myself for since I started listening to his music.

I was shocked, of course, anyway.

Was it worth it, is it worth it, to love this man so much, to put so much hope in a man who you suspect in the back of your mind might die of a heroin overdose at any time?

Yes. This man wrote some of the best songs ever. I will never stop listening to his music. I will never stop loving him. This man was a genius and was very important to me and so many other people. I'd rather be devastated at his loss than ignorant of his life.

As for his suicide, I can say I know him because his songs are so expressive. But I can't presume to understand what puts someone in a situation where they can't hold on for one more day--where each day is worse than the last and no day in the future looks like it is going to be any better. Even now I'm trying to imagine, and I can't and I shouldn't. All I can say is that I wouldn't wish that mindset on anyone, and that nobody is in any kind of position to judge Smith's final action except Smith and perhaps God.

I'm happy that he was able to bring something so beautiful into the world, and I'm happy that people like me were able to appreciate and enjoy and be comforted by what he was able to create.

I'm never going to be able to listen to his music the same way again, and that's a shame. But I'm still going to listen to his music, and from here on in, when I think of Elliott, I'll try to always remember Elliott and be happy for his life, and I still do and will probably always think of him as a hero.