2004-01-10 - 1:17 a.m.

It's a weird way of looking at it, I know, but sometimes I think that the reason why I miss people is because I miss the person I was when I was around them.

But that's okay for two reasons. The first is because the other person probably feels the same way.

The second is that it's okay to go back to an old neighborhood and feel a different way--feel an old way that I forgot about. Aside from of course getting to mentally act out the fond memories in the same real setting, I can romanticize even the things that bothered me before, 'cause I'm never going to get bothered just that way again and it's gone now, and I can marvel at all the new changes that I wasn't there firsthand to witness, and feel jealous that I wasn't there.

Going back to Allston was rough, after I moved back to Somerville. I didn't go back for a long time.

I have the strongest mixed feelings ever about that place.

Okay--time to read some Randy Research and feel better.

Oh, now I feel better, remembering Randy. I always do.

I'm so glad it's negative a bazillion out, and I have the weekend off for the first time since the Festivus party (and that was a break when it happened too), Patriots tomorrow, and I can rock out my GBV on the 'puter, and right now I'm stuck inside of the song The Best of Jill Hives, and if you've heard it and are sick of it right now remember when it had you.

But the real reason why I want to go back to Allston again is to forgive it and to ask for its forgiveness. That�s all I can do. I did that once and I�ve been back since. I feel like I�ve made some peace with the place. But there�s something missing and I�m glad, very glad, that I�ve been given the opportunity to do it right.

I�m going to do all I can to do it right.

The real reason why I miss people sometimes is because just because people go away, it doesn�t mean that anything is resolved with each or any departure. It�s just a bunch of different endings.