2004-02-20 - 2:46 a.m.

I have problems when it comes to actually doing things because I'm way, way, way too good at picturing exactly what the end result should be and as a result I get very frustrated that I can't just do it and have it be done with.

But every time I think if I had just started doing this a year ago, doing it right now wouldn't be so hard, and I really mean it, it's usually a good thing.

That thought is what usually sets the gears in motion and then I'm working at it even though it's hard and even though I can't immeadiately do exactly what I want to be doing.

Problems arise when I start thinking of other things that I will ultimately need to acquire in order to complete the project, and then start dwelling on those things instead. Problems arise when I just wish that someone else would set everything up for me so I could knock it down. Problems arise when it's been so long since I've even made an attempt that I have to overcome that too, which is a problem, of course. And then there's worshipping others who actually can do the thing I want to do, who have already done it, and well, and then everything's in flames. And but of course problems arise when problems arise.

There's usually no going back after that.

But then there's I really want to do this, and then, of course, there's nothing bad can possibly come of this, and if there's a if I had just started doing this a year ago, it wouldn't be so hard now, and a year from now it can either not be so hard or it can be if I had just started doing this a year ago it wouldn't be so hard now, if it all works out just so, then maybe, just maybe, it can become an obsession and unstoppable and then just a normal, regular, but not boring, part of my life (like writing in a diary) that isn't a hurdle, that I can every now and then, while walking to work or riding the train, think about how lucky I am to have it, and feel good.