2004-03-22 - 10:44 a.m.

I must have done something right yesterday. And it was a full day, mind you.

Toward the end of it, I needed to get some cash at the ATM in Union. I hate this ATM. Don�t get me wrong--I love Union and I don�t think there�s anyone on earth who could dispute my love for all things Somerville, but let�s call a spade a spade--some folks around Union are not very fast (unless they�re driving).

That�s why I hate the ATM at Union--the cosmic law of speed at ATMs (the heavier the use, the more machines installed) exists not on Winter Hill, at Fenway Park (where there�s like one Fleet for a line rivaling that of a Dunkie�s at lunch time and everyone wants coolattas), and in Union Square. I mean, there�s even two machines at the Citizens by Lechmere, and there�s never anyone there.

So I was talking to Rita a few days ago and we concluded that it would be far easier if we could zazchoom thoughts into the brain of the person you were telling a story to, so that you could just get on with the story part and not have to worry about setting it up. I wish I could zazchoom some thoughts here, but for what it�s worth, here�s my immutable law of ATM courtesy:

Unless the machine spits your card out because you canceled the transaction because you entered the PIN # wrong and there�s no �clear� button, and that�s rare, so nevermind--here�s the law--once your card comes out of the machine, you�re done. Your turn is over. If you forgot something, if you need to do something else, or if the amount you requested exceeds the amount you have in the bank, if the machine spits out your card and there�s people waiting in line behind you, you go back in line, �cause your turn is over.

That�s my view on it, and I know it�s a little on the polite side, but that�s how I operate. But at the same time, I feel my view on ATM etiquette is very, very fair to idiots. Slow people are slow and there�s nothing I can do about it, so I have limitless patience for slow people at ATMs as long as they at least follow the above law. So much patience.

I have patience, but I also have respect for my time.

So I�m at this ATM in Union, and I�m with the Roommate and Julianne, and I tell them to move on and I�ll catch up with them, as fast people, people that don�t require all persons present at an ATM event, do, and I tell them it might be awhile, �cause I got ATM beat out by like one step, which is always frustrating.

The person at the A-Team (that�s what I like to call �em) was done by the time the door closed behind me. Good sign.

What I was worried about was the group of three that beat me in the footrace to to the ATM.

Now I need to set this up. And I wish I could just zazchoom this into your brain right now, �cause it would make the story more enjoyable for you:

1) I love Europe. I�ve been there. I know how things work there.

2) I have no problems with gay people. In fact, gay dudes always take a shining to me. Nobody on earth would ever accuse me of being a homophobe. Ever.

3) I have no problems with townies either. I respect lifers and I always respect the fact that I�m temporarily living in an area in which people were born and raised and remain for their entire lives.

4) I�m very nonconfrontational. It�s actually usually easier to suffer in silence and speak up when it actually matters. That�s my philosophy and it works for me and so on...

So, this party of three ahead of me--they�re in their 20�s and are dressed trendily and pricily and are speaking Portuguese--the one kid, who is very, very gay, proceeds to explain to the girl with him how to use the ATM.

Now this is annoying, but as I�ve said, if you�re slow, I�m just going to have to deal with it. The teaching process takes maybe five to seven minutes altogether, which is way too long for one transaction, and I�m following along--the girl has entered her PIN and she has requested her money, so I�m thinking at this point that I only have to wait another minute for my turn, and then the machine tells her that there was a problem with her account and that it was unable to process the transaction.

Okay. Whatever. My turn, right? I clear my throat while they stand around, trying to figure out what to do. My turn. That wasn�t rude of me, right? Okay--now the guy takes the card out and proceeds to put it back in.

I very politely say excuse me? Excuse me?

And the guy whips around with the card in his hand and very flamboyantly asks WHAT? WHAT DO YOU WANT?

I explain, very politely, mind you, that it took five minutes to make that one transaction, and as the machine spit out the card, would he mind if I just played through--I�d be less than a minute.

And the kid flips out--he starts waving his fingers around at me and he shrieks No no NO! Is MA time! Is MA TIME!.

Just as he finishes his rant, this aged townie enters the ATM with his wife and sizes up the situation. The guy looks like he�s busted a few heads in his youth, and if he wasn�t a cop or a fire fighter at some point in his life, he wanted to be. He asks me what�s going on and I summarize for him, definitely loud enough so that the kid can hear my take on the story. The kid doesn�t put the card in yet--he listens to my summary and I can tell he�s preparing a shrill rebuttal.

So the townie immeadiately says to him YOU GOTTA FUCKIN� PUT YOUR FUCKIN� CARD IN THE FUCKIN� MACHINE NOW AND GET THIS FUCKIN' BULLSHIT OVER WITH! THIS IS A BUNCH OF BULLSHIT AND I�M NOT GONNA STAND HERE AND TAKE ANY FUCKIN� BULLSHIT FROM YOU! LET�S GET THIS FUCKIN� BULLSHIT OVER WITH SO WE CAN ALL GET FUCKIN� OUTTA HERE!

Absolutely amazing. He scared the living crap out of the kid, who decided to give up on the lesson and just try to get the girl�s money out of the machine.

The townie turns to me, just as the Euro's cellphone goes off (and the kid takes the call!), and he says That�s how you gotta talk to these people, kid. That the only way they�ll listen. And I thank him for his advice--he�s right. My politeness didn�t work in what was already a clear cut situation of right versus wrong--while I maybe could have toned it down a little, I definitely should have been more assertive in that situation instead of just offering it up to Jesus.

The kid�s second attempt at using the machine failed and so he took the card and got his party the hell out of the ATM without a word.

I got my cash out in about 30 seconds--while I was waiting for it to go through, the townie asked what was wrong with those people, and I said Where do they think they are, Newbury Street? Evidently that was a good joke and we shared a laugh. I wished him a good day.

How amazing that all of those elements could have combined at just that time--a cartoon flamboyant Euro and a townie stereotype, plus myself, one who appreciates these types of situations perhaps more so than anyone else on earth?

Somerville is the greatest place on the planet.