2004-06-10 - 2:58 a.m.

One of the headlines on AOL news right now is Mark Anthony silent on Lopez wedding.

Now, I have almost no idea what that means--just that it's not very important since the word wedding is a good tip off (unless you're talking Catherine of Aragon stuff) that the news item in question bears no meaning in the real world.

And that's fine. If celebrity weddings constitute news to some people, that's perfectly fine if it makes them happy.

Endulge, do it, but how is it news that someone stays silent on a wedding? I mean, I have nothing to say about the wedding either.

But I haven't received any phone calls about it.

How come this Mark Anthony guy gets a whole article over him doing nothing, but I get nothing over doing nothing?

It's just not fair, and I demand equal coverage. The world needs to know what I'm staying silent about, and what I do in between.

Plus, I bet Mark Anthony is silent on a whole range of issues. I have no idea how he stands on long range missile treaties, for one, or capital punnishment, or his favorite nightclub (although, admittedly, I haven't done my research).

All I'm asking for is that if Mark Anthony gets to stay silent on what has been deemed a relevant social issue, and if his silence is also deemed newsworthy, that I should also get to say nothing about stuff and get credit for it.

Or a really, really good massage. I'd settle for a good massage.