2004-07-03 - 2:37 a.m.

I don�t think I�m going to post any closer to the day, so I�ll do this now.

26 absolutely rocked. 26 was a wonderful year.

I had an amazing year, which felt more like three weeks, with the Roommate, and trust me, when you can make a statement like that about a relationship, you�re in a good one.

Shows at the Middle East or TTs, smoking outside, watching the sun go down and the pretty trees there, or at home smoking a butt after getting off of work, feeling for a puff that the world is mine, that almost everyone on earth would rather be me for that one puff.

Reading some pretty good books on the T, or at the intersection of busy and quiet I can almost find every time at Fanueil Hall on my lunch (almost find every time, not find almost every time), or getting some good moments home alone with my music collection, and I�ve had some good moments there, when they�ve shown themselves to me I never failed to rise to greet them, and let�s not forget that one afternoon I had the opportunity to suck oysters from the East Coast Grill.

Coming more into myself and doing less jostling around. Even at the price of unpopularity or not doing anything interesting for a few days, I really got away from a problem that�s been mine since Latin School--seeing something and identifying it as stupid and beyond reasonable means of justification but yet popular, and pretending to go along with it for the sake of having something to say. In my life, any trend I�ve gone with (including Nirvana in high school) was mine and not a trend at the time and people took it over and made it their own. I�ve had the bittersweet luck of picking some good ones, too (and others were hardly blips on the radar--I like when that happens better, and of course it�s out of my control).

I�ve always been able to let stuff like that go. (I can let almost anything go.) And lately I can say no with an astonishing lack of regret.

Nothing is less important, ever, than the health of a conversation with people you don�t think anything of.

And I know, every year I say I�ve gained a little more confidence and what not, and then think to myself that it�s a pretty pathetic accomplishment, and what else have I done besides that, in what other areas have I pushed myself for strength? But you know what? That�s fine. I�m doing well. For me, gaining more confidence each passing year is like a destitute orphan turned tycoon that makes a few extra mils annually.

I finally shot and buried (deep in the ground) the part of myself that truly believes I can do well at parties. That�s a big accomplishment. I can address a large group of people. I do it all the time at work. I can get up and play a show on my own in front of any type of audience, although I�d prefer not to have to duck out of the way of lofted beer bottles. And I can sing for my supper if need be. And of course I can talk to you one-on-one �till the cows stop licking salt and go to sleep. But I cannot and never will perform well at someone else�s huge party.

And that�s not a bad thing. I think that I have pretty good relationships with the people that I do meet and hang out with, and that I�ve had pretty good relationships with the people I really cared about before they went away, and that if I was more outgoing and met more people--if I allowed more people in--that I�d eventually want to strangle half of them, despite the temporary spike in popularity I�d owe to the outgoing.

This year saw, among other things, a failed quest for the ultimate toilet seat, a new iPod and heading to South Station with it in the wintry rain and some Heavenly, so I could take the commuter rail to West Roxbury to explain said iPod to no avail to the family, and the year saw a few nice trips that didn�t involve the family, or at least mine. My suspicions that Pavement was wrong and Sebadoh was right were confirmed. A tribute to Elliott Smith. The best Sox team I�ve ever seen in my life (including �86), and a tremendous amount of patience from the Roommate because she believed me when I said that every Pats game was special because they were probably going to win the Superbowl, which they did. We went to that show at TT�s right before Christmas where all of the city was empty except for the folks that actually lived there, and saw stuff we�d never otherwise see from the best musicians in the Boston area. Or at the Mardi Gras show at the Middle East where I asked the Roomate if she minded if I got completely wasted, and she gave the right answer, but I got into that cab home just like normal. We went to Somerville Open Studios. I made drinks for my friends. I watched The Office on DVD and was able to laugh at the boss for obvious reasons as opposed to freak out because I was acting like him.

I was always afraid when I was a kid, and in college too, of turning 30. But I�ve lived a life different than most, and 30 really does make a ton of sense to me. I�m not looking forward to 30--that�s perverse. But I know 30 will be okay when it happens, just like I�m fine with 27 right now.

I�ve always felt older than people of my generation, even as a kid. I think I always will, but now�s our chance to catch up to each other.

I had a great 26.