2004-09-09 - 11:08 a.m.

Barring some bizarre and unforesen miracle, tonight is the last Guided by Voices show I'll ever see before they break up. Sad, but I am looking forward to the show (I could see them for a third time this summer in NYC again, but it's at Irving Plaza where there's no smoking and no reentry, and I'd rather not go out in a blaze of nic-fitting grouchy hipsters).

This is like the 117th last time I'll ever do or see or go to something this year. I know that stuff like this, ideally, should give me a kick in the ass and make me realize how impermanent things are, and consequently drive me to involve myself with life more--to live in the moment and enjoy good things while they last or before they get ruined.

But instead it just makes me more reluctant to get into new things, because even if I get in on the ground floor, it's only going to last so long.

A year ago I might have lamented that I'm too old to have that attitude towards such matters.

But I think at this point it's time to realize that that's always going to be the attitude I naturally gravitate towards. Ironically enough, accepting this rather than struggling against it gives me the freedom to enjoy more the things I really do care about in my life, or might, and puts me more in the first category than I ever would have been otherwise.

Funny, hunh?