2004-11-04 - 2:35 a.m.

President-elect Kerry...

...were the first words I heard when I woke up this morning. The Roommate has the alarm clock tuned to an FM talk station--I think it�s Barnacle--and the next seven words I heard were ...it�s too bad I can�t say that..

Oh what a way to start the day--three waking seconds of miracle-induced elation, followed by the first few moments of the next four horrible years.

I can�t believe this happened, but at the same time I�m not surprised.

Barack Obama won. And I will later reveal to you how to deal with an absolute crushing loss without resorting to murder*.

So something came out of this.

Here�s what�s going to happen...

In 2000, Bush was NOT elected president. He just started acting like that�s what happened and everyone else for whatever reason decided to go along with it in the name of �unity.�

Even though he wasn�t even elected, he still managed to pull a ton of crazy extremist right wing crap on America. SO, now that America has apparently decided to actually elect him (I�m just going to assume that�s what happened), as well as provide him with an even stronger House and Senate majority, as well as (barring a miracle) the opportunity to appoint Supreme Court justices--in other words, now that America has decided to reward and encourage conservatism in all three branches of our government, well, what do you think is going to happen?

Roe V. Wade is going to be overturned in the next four years. Mark my words. We�re not going to be able to turn a corner without seeing the Ten Commandments posted somewhere official. Things are going to get way, way worse in the Middle East. I wouldn�t be surprised if sodomy was to be criminalized, and Creationism to be taught in public schools or else.

We asked for this. Apparently, we want this to happen as quickly as possible. Last night, America told a bunch of nutjobs go ahead--lock up the homeless and put pot smokers on death row--anything you can think of, it�s been so good so far, so don�t even bother to ask anymore--just do it. Here�s your mandate.

Am I freaking out? A little, maybe, but I don�t think I�m that far off.

Why did this happen?

There are two theories that I can think of. One is that we�re a divided America. The other is that people are idiots.

Let�s talk about the latter first. People ARE idiots, and they don�t care that they are.

Who voted for Bush? Rich people voted for Bush because that�s the party that overtly promises to keep them rich. It just makes sense, then, that rich people would vote for the rich person party. But there�s a lot more non-rich people in America than rich people, and a lot of those not-so-well-offs also voted for Bush even though logic would dictate that they�d do the opposite.

Why? I mean, it�s a good question, right? If the Republican party says quite clearly that they�re for the rich people, and the Democrats say that they�re for the poor and middle class, why would poor people vote for the party that wants to keep them poor? That�s like Red Sox fans voting for the Yankees to win the World Series.

Because they�re idiots, that�s why.

These are people who literally think the following:

Oh, jeez, that Bush has really got us in a pickle in Iraq, but he�s really going to go get them terrorists.

I was going to vote for Kerry, but then I got that e-mail forward from Kathy that said he eats babies, so I lit a candle.

Because of Bush, there�s going to be free elections in Iraq! What a great job he did. Mission Accomplished! They must really love us there, for giving them their freedom. It�s too bad all the liberal media will show us is the couple of numbskulls that want to hurt the troops we sent there to liberate them.

Why does Kerry have to be so against the war? He�s against our troops, saying that the war�s a bad idea. How are the troops going to win the war if the president says that we shouldn�t have gone to war? Bush would NEVER say that he�s against the war. I�m with the troops, so I�m with Bush. Bring 'em home soon!

Oh, so France likes Kerry, eh? France is full of fags. Kerry�s a fag. USA!

All of my friends and family where I live are voting Bush, and what�s good enough for my friends and family is good enough for me!

It really sucks that my job got outsourced and that I don�t have healthcare for my family and that there�s now a ton of competition for a few jobs in my area that I don�t really want and that pay half the wages I was making, especially since I�ve been putting my mortgage on my credit card for the past year, but when it comes to who I want in a leader, I want moral values, so I�m going with Bush.

I KNEW someone that was actually in New York City on September 11th. That was a horrible thing that happened, and with Bush in office, that�ll never happen again because he�ll defend us against terrorism (thanks, Hallie)

You know what? I really disagree with that Bush. He�s done a horrible job, he�s gotten us into a war in Iraq for no reason and has cost thousands of lives in the process, and I actually understand, unlike most of my buddies, that there�s no connection between Al Qaeda and Iraq, or at least there wasn�t THEN, and he�s done a bad job with the economy, and I�d LOVE to vote against Bush, I mean, anybody but Bush, but then again, I�d rather hang out with Bush at a barbecue, and Kerry throws like a girl, so when it all comes down to it, I�m going to have to go with Bush.

Kerry is always trying to steer the debates towards the environment and education. Well, excuse me, Bush passed the Clear Skies Act and No Child Left Behind. I mean, if it�s named Clear Skies, it�s for the environment, right? And I don�t think America should EVER leave a child behind. Bush is very compassionate.

First, Kerry was FOR the war, then he was against it. That�s all I know. That�s it. That�s all I know, is that one thing. I don�t know WHY he was for the war at first, and I don�t know why he�s against it now when, at first, he was for it. All I know is that at one point he was for it, and then, some time later on, he was against it. He�s wishy-washy. Leaders can�t change their minds, EVER. Bush never changes his mind. That�s what makes him strong.

These people all voted for Bush. For those reasons. Maybe I�m stereotyping. I don�t think I am. I think I�m giving a lot of people too much credit, even.

In 2000, Bush didn�t win the presidency. He stole it. This fact has gotten me through the last four years, has given me strength, has been there at the end of every Bush-related sigh to make it all better.

I�ve had November 2nd, 2004 to look forward to for four years. The day when America corrects that mistake and goes on to erase all of the terrible things that some jackass did that he shouldn�t have done.

That�s not going to happen. I was wrong. I had faith in America, and I was wrong to put my faith there.

People are idiots.

It�s not the media. It�s not the candidates. It�s not henchmen. It�s not electoral fraud (although certainly there�s been some, even though everyone�s watching for it). This one was really pretty much up to the �People.�

And, the �People� had a choice between eating rat poison or not eating rat poison, and it was split 50-50. Amazing.

Look at poll data. Gay people voted for Bush. College kids voted for Bush. Black people voted for Bush. Poor people voted for Bush. I mean, Democrats voted for Bush, and they�re friggin� Democrats! Bush is a Republican, and Kerry is a Democrat. You�re a Democrat. What, Kerry wasn�t Democrat enough for you, but somehow Bush was?

This was a very important election. This was not ho-hum. Bush hasn�t vetoed a single bill because he�s had the house and senate for his entire term. Republicans have gotten virtually everything they�ve wanted for the past for years, and here�s a chance to stop that. Even if you�re a conservative-leaning moderate, you GOT to vote Kerry, just to break that up a little. But no.

Kerry throws like a girl. Kerry shouldn�t have earned those medals. Kerry drove around in that tank and let Willie Horton out of jail. Kerry ate a pizza that was supposed to be for a soldier. I don�t like the letter K. That�s why he�s not President-elect Kerry.

Anybody who voted for Bush is either self-delusional (poor people / Nader voters this go around), evil and/or practical (rich people), not worth the effort (ultra-ultra-religious people), or my enemy (lazy people who would have voted for Kerry but they just didn�t care enough to).

And that last group really bothers me. And they can go to hell.

If you didn�t vote, you�re the worst kind of idiot. You deserve nothing good to happen to you for the rest of your life. You�re not a lemming, but at least the lemmings DID SOMETHING. What was so important that you couldn�t get off your ass and vote? What? Tell me. Did someone die? Okay. Did you give birth? Okay. Were you hospitalized? Okay. Otherwise, you�re an idiot.

IT DOES NOT MATTER if you live in California, New York, or Massachusetts, all traditional Democratic states. First, how long will that hold up if all the left-leaning people stay home and all the right-leaning people go out and vote? Live in MA? People in the suburbs vote, buddy. And see all those jerks on the Red Line, coming from Dorchester, reading the Herald? They voted for Bush, who ran 40% in Kerry�s home state yesterday. Republicans vote. If you DON�T vote, you�re a Republican. Second, hey, see on the TV where they show the popular vote? Bush got a lot of those numbers, didn�t he? Like, he had more of the numbers than Kerry did, right? Okay--if you�ve said a single thing about Bush over the past for years, if you�ve hit on a girl and used hating Bush as a given from which to proceed, if you�ve purchased an amusing anti-Bush refrigerator magnet or button, or even if you�ve laughed at more than one stupid Leno joke about Bush, YOU SHOULD BE ONE OF THOSE KERRY NUMBERS.

But you didn�t vote, did you.

Okay. You are my enemy now. Don�t complain to me if you get shipped off to Iraq, and stay the hell off of my bandwagon if the Democrats win in 2008.

But what I have to say right now, for anyone who voted for Bush, is this:

There was way too much at stake here. I HAD faith in you, in America, every day. And that�s gone now.

I don�t care if Reds want to reach out to Blues now. I know that�s bullshit. I know it. The guy the Reds voted for described himself as a �uniter, not a divider� four years ago, and look at the election we just had. Call me a sore loser, and I�m sure the Reds already have, but please just be a dick and tell liberals they�ve lost their right to protest, rather than pass a bill called the �clean streets act,� or something like that.

This a nation divided, and I�ll have more to say about that soon.

*(By the way--any Red Sox fan can tell you how to channel that kind of anger/sorrow/anger/sorrow/anger combination, and that�s towards something soft. I�m not trying to be funny here--I actually had myself a little tantrum this morning, BUT I didn�t injure myself or scare the daylights out of others (maybe my immeadiate neighbor, but he�s cool). Someone at work actually hurt her hand and a wall at the same time over the election, and she�s been putting up with a crappy boyfriend for the past ten years. PSA--if you get really mad (which you should have gotten when, for instance, Kerry conceded to that smug bastard), just remember to understand that you�re REALLY angry and that you�re not used to being so much angry so fast--that usually you THINK and then DO but that for the next few seconds it�s all DO, so you�re really going to have to do your best to be self-aware for the next few seconds, but do understand that the extra energy does have to go somewhere, which is healthy, but that it shouldn�t go somewhere that can hurt you or someone else. Seriously--scan the room for something �safe� and also readily available (like coins, or better, a pen) that you can throw, as well as a safe area to which you can throw it, and do it. It�s good to identify �safe� things that are �there� ahead of time so you�re ready for your (deserved) tantrum. Yell if you have to, and if you have to punch, hit a bed or plush furnurature if available. Seriously--it�s not worth breaking your hand over. I should also mention, to be fair, that as I made my way to work today, that I strongly considered smashing the window of a truck with three (!) Bush/Cheney posters illegally obstructing its windows (of course I didn�t). I had already gotten it out of my system enough to where if someone had come up to me immeadiately after I left my apartment and wanted to argue that life begins at conception, I would have murdered that person in cold blood, but just about anything else I could have dealt with).