2004-11-23 - 1:51 a.m.

I still see the commercial for the Clapper on TV.

Wait. I mean, I still see that commercial on TV.

Clap on, Clap off... the Clapper. Dana Carvey, or someone like him, made fun of this ten years ago. A lot.

I can qualify that by adding that we're talking 1:52 AM, but still.

The thing is, two years ago, this idea would have been intriguing to me, in that I'd be picturing a shamed performer, his or her life ruined by one random decision to sing a song for a commercial, and seeing said commercial yet again on TV, knowing that it's never really going to go away, ever.

Today, I know that maybe that person I was talking about could just as easily be proud of having had sung a song years ago that still gets played on TV. Maybe that's how that person met his or her spouse. Maybe that person would feel personally offended and very, very ready to offer counter-argument if another person randomly spoke negatively against the Clapper.

It doesn't mean that the scenario that would have occurred to me two years ago would be any less likely to happen to someone. It's just that this scenario, I understand now, would most likely happen to me under the exact same circumstances, but, and I know this now, it'd be different for other people.

I mean, maybe the girl that sang Ch...ch..cha-CHIA looks back on that moment as the odd but personally logical start on a path towards a grad degree in physics.

Maybe the guy that's not really a doctor, but who plays one on TV leads a very, very rich life and is very happy with it.

Maybe whoever got to sing ...bY MENen! will be wearing a pair of emerson chinos and relaxing at a local sunny Starbucks tomorrow as I head to work, thinking not of the commercial, but about something completely different, perhaps if the bathroom remodeling is going to dip into the vacation fund but what the hell, but of course remembering the commercial fondly if ever asked, because that was the start of a semi-lucrative behind-the-scenes career in voice.

Basically, I can understand today that not everyone is me. I don't know why they're not, but they are.

That was a joke. But what I guess I've learned is the approach most people have to being themselves can be noble, together, or trashy. And I think that's probably the best way to look at someone--how they got there, and if trashy, how much so. I consider myself together. It'd be nice to be noble, but give me time. Just give me time. Just give me time.

I'm working on it, belive me, I've been working on it, but I need time.