2005-03-11 - 1:31 a.m.

Have I ever mentioned pointless superpowers? Not something that has the potential for good or evil, like being able to fly or to see through walls--more like innocuous gifts like being able to tie your shoes superfast, or being able to pick out the freshest possible box of orange juice in the supermarket without having to check the expiration date.

Here are some ideas--which one would you pick?

You always have to wait seven minutes for a bus, no more, no less.

You can make a big batch of perfect cupcakes whenever you want.

The britta pitcher never runs out of water, but you have to replace the filter on schedule.

Any stringed instrument you touch is instantly in tune.

On top of whatever you do or don�t have, you always have five dollars in your wallet, to be spent on whatever you want that costs five dollars or less, otherwise it comes out of your �real� money.

Whenever you find an article of clothing or footwear, if you can find one in your size (8 or medium or 30x30 or whatever), it�ll always fit you and you don�t have to try it on first.

If you go to see any band play at a show, they always play the song you most wish to hear performed.

Your cellphone never has to be recharged.

There�s always a bottomless trash can nearby.

You can offer cigarettes or beer to someone out of your own stash, and the next day a reciprocating package arrives.

You can go into a bookstore, pick up any book, open any page, read one paragraph, and know right away whether it�d be worth reading.

Everyone who shakes your hand washed their hands after they last visited the restroom.

You can speak, read, and understand Latin but cannot teach it to someone who doesn�t know it.

Nobody ever notices when you laugh at a bad joke or make one.

You can type as fast as you can think and never have to correct keystroke errors.

Any time there�s a radio or juke or someone�s body of mp3s is playing on random, or any time someone plays an album or a mix, or performs a song in your presence, the song is always completely appropriate for the moment (Caveat emptor!).

You always find the sales clerk attractive.

You have a magic computer that�s eternally updating to four years ago.

You will never step or sit in gum.

You always order the meal on the menu that best suits you, but still risk it not being made as well as it could have been, just like everyone else.

They all sound so good! If I had the ability to always make the best decision, I�d tell you which one I�d pick. But I don�t, so I can�t.

Sorry.

I do, however, wish that I could grant some of these to you. It�d be fun to speak magic Latin to you. Summus kickus their butticus!