2001-12-22 - 12:45 a.m.

Harvard University is a big company. They have several branches, and they're all pretty much independent.

I had an interview at the Harvard School of Public Health today. That place on its own could be a pretty big company. The organization is so huge that I had an interview with someone whose sole responsibility is to screen out bad applicants and refer good ones to departments within the HSPH that have positions that they need to fill. And that person had her own assistant.

It was pretty amazing. I had that in awe feeling a child experiences when s/he imagines how big the world can be and then imagines that there are other planets out there too.

I know people who aren't totally stressed because of their jobs all the time. I always think of it as some sort or Shangri-La thing, or as some sort of a pipe dream.

I really like wherever I am. I'm not some rubbery, bouncy optimist either. If I were cleaning toilets, I'd be happy as long as I made a living wage, there was some camaraderie, there would be something for me to bitch about, and I could get some good stories out the experience.

The interview was fine. I showed up on time, but I had planned to arrive at the destination a half-hour early (the half hour being a grace period).

I waited for the bus for a half-hour. Of course, there was another one right behind it.

I didn't get my goddamn coffee.

I was mad at every goddamn person on the bus. I was mad at the old ladies for getting on too slow. I was mad at the folks who were getting off at random stops--as if it was their fault for not living by the stops where most people got on or off.

I really wish that I was able to get that goddamn coffee.

Nonetheless, I felt that I had a pretty good interview. It didn't seem as challenging or wacky as some of the other interviews.

It would be really fucking cool to work somewhere else. Even I'm getting sick of myself working at the Big Company.

I could go somewhere else and not have to worry over roughly 250-300 possible scenarios that wouldn't be my fault but for which I would be to blame. (No lie, by the way.)

I could fucking say goodbye to all of the haggard, petty interviewers that complain about everything. Remember that pizza party I threw for the interviewers because we finished a big project? This is a small company, remember, and I had to convince several people that Atlantic should pay for pizzas AND give the interviewers fifteen minutes on the clock for free. And I had to lie about it too. There were SO MANY WAYS I could have gotten into trouble over this friggin thing that I did for them.

And I got grizzled by several interviewers over not having the stupid fucking party on a night where they were scheduled. These are the dolts I'm talking aboutm by the way.

I let the dolts schedule themselves whenever they want to on a week-to-week basis. I take shit for it, but so what. Then, they cancel shifts left and right. When the dolts do come in, they goof off and don't get the work done. They encougage the non-dolts to goof off too. I give them so much training, and they don't pay attention. I'm in a bad mood--sorry. Imagine working with people that you can't help as hard as you try, and you're too much of a pussy to send them out on their asses, they screw you by not getting any goddamn work done while taking advantage of your lenient policies that were made to make the workplace better for the non-dolts, they give you shit all the time as you're taking shit from above for not being able to make your dolts do work, and then you do something extrordanily nice for them, and they give you shit.

Lesson learned? Never ever ever do anything nice for the dolts again. Just gives them something else to complain about.

I could go on, but it's not that interesting. Of course I'll do nice things for the dolts again.

Teach a man to fish and he'll be able to feed himself. Train a man to fish and he'll cancel fishing lessons, show up at your house and ask for fish, complain about not being taught how to hunt for cows, resent you because he "already knew" how to fish, complain about never once being taught to fish ever, tell you unrelated stories, and stand by a puddle for fifteen minutes, call your name, give up and go home, and come back the next day to stand by the same puddle.

But still...

I'll gladly be the middle part of the candle that burns both ways as long as I'm at the Big Company.

But imagine not being there? Imagine working with competent people? Imagine having a job description that matches what I'm actually expected to do? Imagine not having to work overtime? Imagine not getting yelled at by X. because X. made a mistake? Imagine not having to have 1000 different ready-made explanations any possible situation to be delivered to someone who doesn't understand my job? Imagine not having to use deception as a tool for getting the job done?

Imagine a real challenge? Imagine a nuturing, non-competitive environment? Imagine a far, far better vacation package with better and less expensive benefits?

My musings about a untopian workplace seem so reasonable. But I come from a work hard and suck it up like the rest of us home, I (apparently) have low self esteem, and I'm used to (and have grown comfortable with) being shit on at my current job of four years. I believe in those three things. It's patriotic to do so (not said sarcastically).

Working at a job that would make me happy (or at the very least allow me to have a life) seems like an unreasonable luxury to me.

I wore my red hoodie and not very comfortable dress shoes to the interview. It was 35 degrees outside, in blistering winds. I ended up getting a cut on my finger just from the wind. Maybe that's my fucking problem.

Know what I mean?